Unpacking Life -

Since the day you made it clear that we are no longer good friends, I no longer feel the need to empathise with you, no longer need to understand your 'situation'. As far as I am concerned, everything is professional from that day forward. So, I wish you would stop with the "sorry I'm so inadequate..." because to be honest, it is getting annoying and a bit tiring. I am not trying to be mean, I really am not. I'm just trying to do my work and not get involved with anything personal anymore. Everyone has their problems/issues, you are not the only one.  When we were still considered good friends, yes, I felt that it was my responsibility to be understanding (and I really did it because I wanted to and because I cared), but now that we are not, I really do not want to know more about your personal life more than I need to. It isn't fair that everyone has to understand what you're going through, but what about everybody else? Are our problems less importan...

And suddenly, it is 2023.  I skipped the whole 2 years here - I neither had the time nor the interest to blog.  But today I thought about this blog. I used to blog a lot since after high school (almost 20 years ago, what?!), it was the cool thing back then. These days my escapism is scrolling endlessly on Instagram or Tiktok.  Anyway, I will turn 36 in September this year. I am still married, Alhamdulillah, and I have two kids. My firstborn will turn 8 in a few months, and my second one will turn 5. Sometimes it feels surreal, that I am now a mother with school-going kids. When I was 8, I thought my parents and people their age were old people haha. I think my mom had me at the same age I had Yusuf. Life has been quite challenging the past few months - but I am slowly learning to accept, to let go, to be calm, to try to see the 'hikmah' behind everything that happens. AJ, myself, and Afrina got Covid back in September, Yusuf was down with Dengue in October, Afrina was war...

I actually cannot believe that 2020 is going to be over soon...like in a week...and the Covid19 situation in Malaysia isn't looking any better (it doesn't look like it's going to be OK anytime soon too). So I really don't know what to expect for 2021... I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Despite how messy 2020 has been, there are a few good things that I would like to highlight: One I am officially out of (huge) debt. I finally completed my 6 years of service to pay back my student loan for both my master's and bachelor's degrees. I think I am very lucky to be working under MARA subsidiary so I did not have to pay back in terms of money, Alhamdulillah. When I first started, the 6 years felt so long and hard to achieve, but thank God I don't hate my job, so it was bearable. I was also very lucky to get a superior that was very patient and understanding with me (I had no admin background and she taught me a lot of things about admin work).  My parent...

You know, seeing you get hurt twice (physically) this year is very very satisfying. Yes, it makes me very happy to see you get hurt (and I am not the cause of it). I wish it caused you permanent physical damage.  Maybe it is God's way of punishing you for all the hurt you've caused me, and how messed up I've become because of what you did. I hope your wife reads this too, serves her right for victim-blaming.  If only you admitted & actually apologised for what you did to me, maybe I would have sympathised with you. But you didn't, so padan muka. Don't get well soon ya!

I feel like I can relate so much to this quote right now. I actually have been thinking about my own attitude, and how I react to certain people in my life. I've been wondering why it is so hard for me to be nice to certain people in my life, to be more forgiving and accepting, but instead, I just shut down and avoid them at all costs. It's not like I didn't try, believe me, I have tried everything to just be at least indifferent, but I just can't. It's like all those dark feelings start to creep in me when I try to be civil and not let these people affect me negatively. So in the end, I choose to shut down, avoid, and just run away. It's like a "fight or flight" kind of thing (maybe this isn't the correct term, but that is something like what I'm feeling when I'm surrounded by these people). That's why I agree that not everyone will think I am a nice person. I really do believe that I am a nice and decent person, but it really depends ...

 ...and just like that, it's December. This year really felt fast & slow at the same time. I could never have imagined that 2020 would be like this. Despite all that's been happening this year, I guess I still have a lot to be grateful for.  Both my husband and I mostly worked from home since March 2020, when MCO started. Actually, my husband never got to work from his office since March, even after MCO was lifted. So it was just me working from the office every few days of the week. Around the end of May, we decided to send the kids to school/daycare again (the cases were pretty low & we felt quite safe sending them).  One of the things I got to do this year was actually taking my goal to become fit & healthy seriously. I actually started around June (I was back in JB) when I saw my sister working out using an app on her phone. I asked her what it was and that was when she told me about it. When I came back to KL, I downloaded the app and started the 30-day c...

Hey hey. I haven't written in such a looooong time. I am pretty sure I have no more readers here. Oh well, people use instagram more these days anyway (including me). I can't believe it is already August. The year 2020 has been so confusing for me mostly because of the pandemic that's still going on. I am still working from home 3 days a week - but I've been going to the office on WFH days because it is easier to focus doing work at the office rather than at home. My office desktop is way better anyway. I noticed that I get tired more when I work at the office, I also move less. Perhaps that was why I gained so much weight... I'm still trying to lose weight & get healthier - currently doing Chloe Ting workouts at home. This week has been a bit slow - I think I'm getting my period soon. I haven't been in the mood to work out but I try to push myself to do them anyway. I have lost some weight, but I still have a long way to go to achieve my target (like lo...

Hello! It has been ages since I last blogged - let's see if I can still write haha. I can't believe it is already almost the end of 2019, and the last time I blogged was before Afrina was born back in 2017! and she's almost two now. I feel so bad! I used to write about Yusuf a lot, but not one post about my dearest girl. Sorry sayang! But you do know you are on my IG stories like all the time kan ? I love you both the same. During Abang's time blogging was the in thing, your time it is Instagram hehe.  Anyways, a lot has happened since then - where do I start? Ok maybe I should start when Afrina was born - 1st February 2018 . I still remember the night you were born, actually, I remember the whole day before you were born because you were being stubborn and playing games with me and didn't want to come out! It was already past my due date and I was getting annoyed and uncomfortable! So typical of you kan Adik? Until now, your character reminded me so much of th...

Dear Baby, I know I don't talk about you as much as I did when I was pregnant with your brother. Please know it is not because I don't love you. To be honest, I am scared of this pregnancy. I figured if I don't think/talk about it nothing bad will happen. I do think about you all the time, how can I not? You are in me. I am still in the process of healing from what happened before. I don't want it to happen again.  I cannot wait to meet you sayang. Love, Mak

I just realised that I'm reaching 30 soon. I turn 29 in September- and then... I have no idea what's in store for me in the future, but I pray and hope that it will be full of good things InshaaAllah. Amin.  Let's look back at the past 10 years: 2006: I was halfway through my A-levels in Kolej MARA Seremban I think. KMS is where I met my dearest friends, Sh, J and Z. We're still very close now. 2007: Done with A-levels in June. The second part of the year was spent mostly doing nothing while waiting to fly to NZ in Feb 2008. The girls and I did a makan-makan cari jalan covering each other's states. 2008: February - I can't remember the exact date of my departure to NZ, but it was around mid-Feb. One of the biggest things that happened in my life. For the first time, I was moving to another country for 3 1/2 years to complete my Bachelor's degree. Alhamdulillah, very grateful for the opportunity and experience. NZ is where I learned a lot abo...

Teenagers acting like teenagers, I can understand and tolerate. 29 year old acting like teenagers, please stop

Sometimes, too many rules and/or being too rigid make people not want to contribute. You can't control everything to go exactly the way you want it. If it is harmless, let it be. Let people join & educate them. People do want to contribute, but sometimes they don't know how or are not allowed to. This is for a good cause- if you're doing it because you want to be known for your good deeds, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. 

I don't know how it was for our mothers when they became moms, but being a mother in a world surrounded by fast internet, smart phones, social media etc is super tough. I am sure it was tough for our mothers too, but the issues they had to face with are definitely different that's for sure. So, here are 6 top things/issues I feel pressured by or struggled with ever since I became a mother (I'll add more later in a different post): 1) Breastfeeding vs. Formula milk Although I am blessed to be able to exclusively breastfeed my baby, the journey wasn't always smooth. Since my little Yusuf had to stay for a bit at the hospital before being able to come home, I had to make sure that I maintain my supply. Since I had no baby with me for the first 30 days, I had to rely solely on my pump. The first time I pumped, it took me more than 2 hours to get 0.5 oz. But I didn't give up because of the support of my husband. If it wasn't because of him, I think I ...

1. Please refrain yourself from commenting on matters that you have never experienced before/don't know much about. 2. You can share your ideas on it, but to absolutely talk about it as if you know what/how it feels like, please just don't. Until you've gone through it yourself. 3. For example, if you are not a teacher or have never taught before, then please stop yourself from commenting on how easy it is to be a teacher. 4. This applies to topics on pregnancy, giving birth, vaccination, parenting, breastfeeding, etc. 5. I'm sick of people commenting on things they know very little about. 6. Atleast, try to read up on the matter first, OK? From valid and realible sources and NOT solely on Dr. Google.

People always give me that look (of disapproval) when I tell them I send Yusuf to a daycare centre while I work 8-6 pm every weekday since he was 2 months old. I have to admit, it does make me feel guilty sometimes as if I am not a good mother. If I had the choice, ofcourse I would choose to take care of him myself. But I don't get to make that choice. Atleast I know that we have chosen the best daycare centre that we could find, and so far they have taken good care of Yusuf . The daycare centre updates me about Yusuf all the time, and it was them who told me Yusuf was coughing badly and that I should take him to the hospital a.s.a.p. So I am grateful for them. I know it seems like he gets sick quite often. But I think that is just part of growing up and also because he already has a health condition when he was born. InshaaAllah as he grows older, he'll be stronger.   Yusuf, when you grow up, please know that we love you a lot.

1. Yusuf has started on solid food about two weeks ago. So far we've given him apples, carrots, and bananas. He seems ok with all three and have been pooping like normal. But I do notice that bananas and/or apples make him gassy- he farts a lot lol. Thinking of making him rice porridge this weekend. 2. He's recovered from his lung infection- I'll write about this in another post. But I pray that we will never have to go through it again. Yusuf, keep being healthy ya. Amin. 3. Ever since I became a parent myself, I am more and more grateful for my parents. Not that I was not grateful for them before, but having a kid myself makes me understand the things they did for us/to us when we were growing up. I used to argue with my mum a lot, and she used to annoy me a lot. But now, I am beginning to understand why. She only wants the best for me and my siblings.  When I see my mother-in-law lying helpess, unable to speak or take care of herself, and I look at...

You can say what you want but it won't and it can't change my mind If you really loved her, this wouldn't have happened Sorry but too late to convince me how much you love her Because when she was well, you didn't treat her right I'm not stupid You can fool everybody else, but not me I'm sorry, Not me.

Because I need to write this down. When discussing about marriage, people often tell me how they want their partner/future partner to be this and to have that (insert physical characteristics, insert material things). For example, future partner must already own a house and have a car...or must help with the house chores and bla bla bla. But these people kan, do they ever think about being the this and that for their partner/future partner? I mean, nak macam-macam but are you so perfect yourself? I used to tell a friend of mine, if you want your husband to be like this or that, you have to work hard and make the effort to be this and that for him too. For example, you nak lelaki kaya, lelaki tu nak perempuan bergaya. Then no harm to bergaya if that's what it takes to get you that lelaki kaya. Okay, bad example but you get my point? No? It's not fair if you expect him to watch after the kids and do house chores if you yourself tak bangun and mandi/gosok gigi lagi at ...

My husband and I have been married for a little bit more than a year. And I know we have a LONG way to go (InshaaAllah if umur dipanjangkan). But so far, despite all of the challenges we've been through (trust me, we've been through a lot despite being together for only a year), I cannot imagine my life without him. I cannot imagine bringing up Yusuf without him in our lives. Marriage is hard work. But with him, I want to make it work. I know I annoy the hell out of him, and I'm not the most rajin wife in the world, I do not cook and clean everyday, I merajuk way too much, but I love my husband. I love him for everything that he is- the good and the bad. I love that he is willing to learn about me. Dear husband, if you are reading this, yes I love you. Thank you for everything that you have done and even though I rarely say/show it, I do appreciate you a lot. Oh and you owe me duit raya. LOL. Nanti when we're both old, I hope I will still be the one you want...

2015 is by far the most challenging year I have ever had to face in my life (so far). It is the year I found out that my baby has CDH and he had to spend 30 days in PICU It is the year he went through 2 surgeries It is the year my mother in law had a stroke attack a week before Eid causing her to be unable to talk or use her right side of the body It is the year that my baby celebrated his first Eid without his father And I don't think it's going to get easier...with MIL unable to take care of herself, we need to figure out who will take care of her once she is discharged from the hospital. My husband and I have not quite moved on yet with what Yusuf went through and now we are facing another test from Allah swt. But InshaaAllah, we will get through this too. I believe Allah will not test us more than we can handle. Hopefully this will get us even more closer to our creator, Amin. Allahumma yassir wala tu'assir.