Random update on a Friday

1. Yusuf has started on solid food about two weeks ago. So far we've given him apples, carrots, and bananas. He seems ok with all three and have been pooping like normal. But I do notice that bananas and/or apples make him gassy- he farts a lot lol. Thinking of making him rice porridge this weekend.

2. He's recovered from his lung infection- I'll write about this in another post. But I pray that we will never have to go through it again. Yusuf, keep being healthy ya. Amin.

3. Ever since I became a parent myself, I am more and more grateful for my parents. Not that I was not grateful for them before, but having a kid myself makes me understand the things they did for us/to us when we were growing up. I used to argue with my mum a lot, and she used to annoy me a lot. But now, I am beginning to understand why. She only wants the best for me and my siblings. 

When I see my mother-in-law lying helpess, unable to speak or take care of herself, and I look at my husband, I am even more bersyukur that my mom is still here (even if she nags a lot). My husband will probably never hear his mom talk again, or taste his mom's delicious laksa. And I know how much he and his siblings misses their mom. But I still have my mum, who would drop everything and come 'save' me when I need help with Yusuf.

I am most grateful and happy when my mom comes over during the weekend, to play with Yusuf, so that I can get that extra sleep, or extra time to shower and eat. I am grateful that she brings food, and is still healthy enough to cook for us. I am grateful for my dad, who is still well enough to drive 300km just to bring my mum to my place. I am grateful for my dad, who has been very supportive towards us this whole time, especially during our 'hard' times when Yusuf was born with CDH and was fighting for his life. 

Before I was married, I didn't understand why my mum was so 'sibuk' with what I do and how I do stuff. She would nag when I did not clean my room, or when I wake up late. "It's not how a perempuan should be", she would say. Wake up early, make your bed, help out with the house chores, do not go out at night and so many more. Most of the time I would just follow, sometimes I would argue back. Sometimes we would argue until I made her cry and we would not talk for days. Back then, I really felt I was right and she was wrong and should understand what I was going through.

But now, now that I have Yusuf, I am beginning to understand the things she did. She just wants me to be a good person/muslim with good manners/values. She wants me to know the importance of taking good care of myself and to be clean. Yes it is not her room that is dirty, but of course she does not want her daughter to live/sleep in a dirty room. But it is my life? But I have to remember that I am her daughter, she wants the best for me. I will never want Yusuf to sleep with a dirty diaper all night, so my mother wouldn't want me to sleep in a dirty room. She wants be to have discipline and good manners. She does not want me to go out at night because she worries for me, and I totally understand that because I worry for Yusuf every second of my life. I would wake up in the middle of the night just to feel his forehead to make sure he does not have a fever. Like my mom probably did when I was a baby. And now that I'm an adult, she still worries, but in a different way. What if something happens to me? Could she forgive herself? Yes I know I'm an adult but she is my mother, and I am her daughter. Ofcourse she worries. 

I know someday I might be like her and Yusuf will get annoyed with me. But that is okay, because I know I want the best for Yusuf. I am very thankful that my parents raised me to be who I am today. Alhamdulillah. And I am very thankful and grateful that my parents are still alive and well today, and that I am able to call them up just to hear their voice. That I am able to taste her cooking. I don't mind anymore if my mom still nags at me, at least I still hear her voice. It does not matter that she feels I am not raising Yusuf right, that I should do this or that. Because atleast I still have my mom to go to to ask for advice on how to raise my baby- even if 90% of the time we don't agree. 

There are a lot of things that my mom used to do that I do not agree with, but I believe she did it because she wants the best for me and my siblings. That's what she knows on how to raise her kids. The best way to raise her kids.

And even if along the way she might have scarred me in some ways, I have to remember that I am an adult now. My husband told me that now that we're adults, we should stop playing the victim. We are adults, take control of our lives. If we don't like something, find ways to change it/solve it. Do not let what ever happen in the past to define who I am today. Do not blame our parents for it. Because I am an adult, he says. Do not blame my parents- they were just doing what they know is right. And I think I agree with my husband. 

I can actually take all my experiences growing up and turn it to something positive, or I can choose to keep blaming everyone in my past. I choose the first one.

I can say I did not choose to be born so it is their fault to have child like me. But then I remembered this quote that goes something like this "You did not choose to be born, but your parents might have prayed to have you". 

Someday Yusuf might feel that I ruin his life, but I hope someday when he has family of his own, he will realise that everything I do is because I want the best for him. 

I cannot wait to see my parents next week. Thank you Mak Ayah for raising me to be who I am today. Alhamdulillah.