Unpacking Life -

Sometimes you just have to swallow your feelings and just accept things even if it kills you inside. Even if you are not happy. Even if you are hurting. You just need to look at the bigger picture and how it will affect others. You can't be selfish.  So here I am, swallowing everything and faking a smile. Because my happiness is not worth the sadness of those who are dear to me.  I'm just going to suck it up. I have to.  I'm doing this for Amir Yusuf.

I still cannot believe that I am actually a mother now. We have a baby boy. Our baby boy. Everything happened so fast that I don't think I've had a chance to stop and breathe since we got married last year. I graduated, got a job, got engaged, got married, moved into a new place, and got pregnant all in the same year! Phew.  Alhamdulillah I am very grateful for all His blessings. Eventhough Baby Yusuf is not back home with us yet, I believe that Allah's plan is the best. I believe there is a reason/hikmah that Yusuf has CDH and that we are chosen to go through this. If anything, this experience has made me (and husband) even more closer to Allah swt.  Next month, on the 3rd of May, will be our 1st wedding anniversary, InshaaAllah. My wish? For Yusuf to be home with us. I do not need celebrations or gifts. I just want Yusuf to be well and healthy and come home to us. Allahumma yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bilkhoir. - An update on Yusuf, he is

Day 28. We went to see Baby Yusuf in the morning because we had to buy a prescription drug to treat his kuning . The nurses and doctor asked if I took/am taking any Jamu. I told them only the first 3 days and then I stopped because I realised it wasn't good for my breastmilk. Yusuf has a fragile tummy, and I don't want to do anything that could further upset his tummy. The doctor said its's probably the nutrition effect (TPM? TPN?) that they've been giving Yusuf before he could feed on milk that caused the kuning . Hopefully the prescribed drug that we got him will make the kuning go away soon. Currently Yusuf is drinking 20cc breastmilk every three hours...6 cycles per day. I've been actively pumping breastmilk just for Yusuf. I want him to get better. I asked the nurse if he is pooping alright, they told me he's been pooping (Alhamdulillah, which means his usus is working fine). He still needs the help of the oxigen mask...his left lung has not f