Unpacking Life -

I glance at the clock,  "One more hour...". My heart is beating faster than usual. I feel nervous. Anxious. But the good kind. I can hear noises outside my room:  people chatting and laughing, furnitures moving, and sometimes my mother's voice asking the person in charge if  everything is in order. I am in my room, sitting at the edge of my bed.  I take a look around.  The room is probably  the nicest it has ever been.  There is a bouquet of flowers on the side  table next to the bed. My best friend is talking about something, but I am not sure what.  I am too distracted. My sister comes into the room, "Are you okay?" "Yes" I smile. "I have to help Mak outside for a bit, I'll be back to check up on you soon okay" A few more people come into the room after that, "Are you nervous?" "Congratulations" "You look beautiful!" Then, my father comes in and I know what it means. He lo...

He once told me that I "saved him". I wonder now that we are 7 months into this relationship, if he still feels that way? I wonder if the things he used to find cute about me, are still cute? I wonder if I'm still the one he thinks about when he wakes up and before he goes to bed? I wonder if he still wants me, as much as I want him? You're still the one I think about all of the time. You're still the one occupying my dreams at night. You're still the one I miss. You're still the one I love. You're still the first person I want to tell things to. You're still the one I want to be with one day. And I hope I'm still all that to you too.

"What if one day he changes his mind about me?" "Well then let him change his mind. Don't marry him. It's going to hurt but at least you won't be married to someone who easily changes his mind" She's right, I know she is. But things are just easier said than done.

"Truth is, I want you more than anything else in this world"

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother caring so much about someone who probably doesn't even care that much about me. Why do I allow myself to go through this again and again? When will I learn? Maybe I should stop caring just a little bit. you know... to protect my own heart. I'm not asking much from you, except for just maybe show a little bit of appreciation. It's not that hard, and it won't cost you anything. Maybe next Tuesday is a mistake. But I don't think I can cancel it now. "Why make someone a priority, when you're only an option"

I was just done having my buka puasa alone in my room yesterday (roommate had a class and I was too lazy to go to the musolla) when my mother suddenly facetimed me (is that even a word? Lol). It is very unusual of her to do that especially since we just talked earlier that day. Anyway, this came up on the screen when I answered the phone:   I know that's very blurry but that's all I managed to capture when suddenly my mother held this thing up on the screen (and that black box at the top right of the screen is actually me, had to color it in because my hair wasn't properly covered, hehe).  I was confused at first, but then she flipped the card and I saw "Surrey" and immediately I knew who it was from. Mak was so excited she read the postcard out loud ( sabar je lah, nasib baik takde yang jiwang hihi ) and I found that very amusing...both of them (Ayah was there too) were more excited than me! And then Mak asked, why did A sent this to JB instead of ...

To say I miss you is an understatement. I wish we don't have to be apart - this long distance thing is not fun for me anymore. Can we be together now, always, please?

I was so bored today that I decided to browse through friends' Instagram photos and realised how far left behind I am compared to them. Most of them already have stable jobs, are either engaged or already married, already have kids or are pregnant with their first child.  What do I have? What have I achieved so far?  I'm turning 26 this year.  No job, no husband, no kids. and I still live like I'm 21.  I can't help but feel envious of them when I look at their wedding/baby photos and how happy they look.  I have to admit, it does get lonely sometimes. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I want someone cuddle and talk to at night, to wake up to in the morning, to love, to spoil, to argue with, get annoyed with, to cook for, to look after, to cry to, and basically to spend the rest of my life with.  I really hope our plan to get married next June comes true. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and ...

A is leaving for the UK this Sunday, InshaAllah... not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, we have always been in a long distance relationship since we got together so this should not be that much different, right? Right? Uh... I don't know...I mean, I am excited that he got this opportunity to gain some work experience overseas and I am genuinely happy for him. It's just that, the thought of us being at the opposite sides of the world is a bit ...worrying? What is the time difference between Woking and Sydney anyway? I hope things won't change that much between us.  For me, it's easier to be the one leaving rather than the one being left. It was not hard for me when I had to leave to continue my Master here in Sydney. I was quite excited actually. A and I had just started to get to know each other but it did not bother me that much that we were going to be apart for a year. Maybe because I was the one going to a new place, exploring and discover...

I sort of asked him if he has found the one he wants to spend his life with. At first he didn't want to answer. But I made him answer anyway. Then he said yes... and continued telling me about the girl that he wants to maybe marry one day. I smiled. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan jodohku. Amin.

Tonight is my last night sleeping at home, in my room, on my bed. Starting from tomorrow, I'll be going to a new place, starting a "new" life, and hopefully it will be a good experience. I look forward to go especially because Jo is coming with me. It is definitely less scary when you have someone with you :) I'm definitely going to miss: 1. A . I know we've only known each other for only about two months...but I love having him in my life. It's not complicated at all... I enjoy texting him all day... I know I may be reading too much into what this really is...but so far, yes, I am happy. I have no idea how he feels or what is on his mind... and frankly speaking, I am very scared to know, and I probably don't want to know. What we have now is already good...so I'd like to stay this way for now. I can just pray that this will lead to something even more beautiful. If not, well, at least I haven't told him how I feel... (I don't know why and ...

The past week has been a very interesting one. Of all the 26 years that I have been living in this world, I have never experienced so many things in just one week. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly and yesterday I finally received a confirmation on my student visa! I hope things will continue to go smoothly, InsyaAllah. It all changed on the 5th February when I received that call from Jo...We had to do everything quickly because we were running out of time... I am very grateful to have her, because if not, I think I would have already given up on this. Anyway, my focus today is not really about Australia...or Masters...it's about him. I think from now on I have to give him a name...okay lets call him A. (ha ha not very creative I know). I think I've mentioned him in  all 4 of my previous posts... So. We finally met the other day. I was in KL for my medical checkup and I went to hang around at Ayah's office after everything was settled. His offi...

Everything feels so surreal... Just like in the movies. I was suddenly reminded of Lagenda Budak Setan, the scene where the girl suddenly broke the news that she was going to New Zealand the next day... (Can't remember whether to work or study)...but the way she said it, was as if it was THAT easy to move to another country! Well, now I kind of wish it was that easy... Just pack my bags and make sure my tickets are ready and just go. Simple. No hassle at all. But it's not! It's far from simple... I don't know how I am going to leave and tell everyone the news tomorrow. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku untuk sambung belajar...

There are so many times that my hand just wants to reach the phone and text you... It's already 1 pm in the afternoon and I find myself waiting for you, for your text. I want to text you, but then I don't want to get frustrated if you don't reply to it. It's not like there is anything between us, or if there will ever be anything between us. Why do I find myself thinking of you? Why do I find myself missing you?  At 26, I don't think I want to go through all the drama of being in a relationship...I have had enough of that since I was 18, and I'm still single. What I want now is, a simple guy, who can love me for who I am... it's okay if we are not crazy in love at the start, because I believe that love will come later if you learn to accept the person for who the person is.  Anyway, what I am trying to say is, I think you are a great person, and I enjoy our endless texting for the past month, and I wonder, if you think something great can happe...

I think I am mostly done filling up the forms...I just need to matikan setem etc... which I will probably ask for my father's help for all that.  I hate filling up forms...always have always will. When I received my offer to do my undergraduate degree back in 2008, it was my father who filled up all those forms. I didn't do much except being excited about going to a new place.  But at 26, of course my father will no longer do that for me. So like it or not, I had to do it. He had to remind me everyday to fill up those forms and I finally did... it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have one more day to settle all my school work, so that I don't burden the people I leave behind. I hope everything will go smoothly until my departure date, and hopefully when I'm there too. The less drama, the better.  Anyway, one of the things that keep playing in my mind is whether or not anything could ever happen between him and I. I like the way things are n...

It has become a habit of mine to start a new blog whenever I feel stressed out with things that are happening around me. And this one, like many others that I have started, probably won't last that long too. I just have this itch to write how I'm feeling when I feel like nobody understands what I'm going through...(most of the time, it's just me being mengada ...but everyone has their mengada moments sometimes)  Why am I stressed? Well because...a few days ago, I received a huge news. News that's going to change my life in a very significant way. Let me start from the start so that no one is confused (haha it's not like anyone is reading anyway).  Last year, back in October, I decided to apply for Masters in Australia. Part of the reason was because I was tired of the things that was happening around school, and I was missing my life as a student so terribly. My status working there was still contract, and I could actually leave if I wanted to. But the...