Stressful week


It has been quite a rough week for me. I was under a lot of stress that my anxiety attacks came back. I haven't had those for a while now, but it's here again. I know some people would say "Ala itu pun nak stress, relax la", "toughen up!" etc. but believe me I do not ask to have these anxiety attacks. I hate them actually. I've tried everything to make it go away and although it is not as severe as it used to be, I still get them every now and then. Especially if I am under a lot of pressure/stress and could not cope well with the situation. My Mak used to get angry (wait, she still does) when I get these attacks... She thinks I do it on purpose, but it's not like that at all. Who likes to be/feel weak/pressured/stressed?

What happens when I get these attacks is, I gag, like I'm about to vomit but nothing comes out. It's something that is out of my control, it just happens. It can happen anywhere at anytime. Close friends know about this so they are not freaked out by it. They used to joke about it by saying, "How far along are you?" "Are you pregnant?" "Did you do something that that boy the other night?". I also get restless and can't sleep well at night and I start to think too much. 

I think the main reason of these attacks is because of this new routine that I have to get used to. See, he's on the other side of the world. My usual routine when he's back home is that I'd wake up, and around 9 am I could expect a text from him. And we'd be in touch the whole day- no problem. Now that he's on the other side of the world, our time difference is bigger. He's awake when I'm asleep and vice versa. Our "keeping in touch" has been reduced to "Good morning, off to work", "Good night, sleep tight" and nothing much in between. I feel...left out from his life. I know he's not doing it on purpose and he's not trying to hurt me or anything but our situation makes it quite impossible to be in touch as often as we used to. And of course, as a girl, I get jealous (sometimes a bit too much) when I feel left out or if I think he has forgotten me. I don't mean to cause any problems or anything but I'm just so used to having him around most of the time during the day that it is hard for me to adapt to this 'change'. So, anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've decided to make more effort in adjusting to this situation. I don't think it's fair to him if I get upset over something he has no control over. I need to be more supportive, because he's adjusting too. He's in a new place and the last thing he needs is a sulking partner at the other side of the world. 

Another reason for my anxiety attacks is because of Uni. As I've mentioned before, semester 2 (my second and final one!) has started and I am just so overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have to do this semester. Three out of four of my Units are mostly self-study (not good!) and all of them are quite new to me. I mean, I have a general background to all of the units I'm taking, but they're all my weakest subjects. For example, Sociology- used to take that during Alevels, sucked at it. So I really have a lot to catch up on and I hope I have enough time to do it. I can't wait for the 15th of November when I finish my Master! 

And I think I miss home a bit. This will be the 4th raya away from home. And last year, even though I was back home, we didn't celebrate Raya but went on a vacation instead. I don't really mind that much about not 'celebrating raya' because raya is not really a big thing in my family, but I do mind not getting to spend time with my whole family. It's very rare that we all get to be in the same place... Someone is always away. Abang was in France since 2004? and when he came back he got married so he has other responsibilities. I was away from 2008-2011 and now away again for a year. Ayah is always on business trips and is in KL half of the days in a week. So basically there is just Mak, Ayong and Nana at home most of the time. And Ayong works a lot too... so it is during Raya that everyone gets together and spend quality time with each other- and I always missed it! So yeah... Homesick a bit. 

..... and if I do get married next year, I might miss the first day of Raya with family again? ah well...

That's life, I guess

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