Unpacking Life -

Me, sitting at my desk, struggling to finish my reading.  I turn to my roommate: "No matter how hard this is and how much I am struggling right now, this is still better than teaching. This is 'pain' that I'm willing to go through" then my roommate says: "Yes because as a student, if you don't know what you're doing, it's part of the process, but as a teacher, if you don't know what you're doing..." Me: "...then you feel like a failure! yeah..." *Don't get me wrong, I love teaching and I love my students. It's just that I sometimes feel that I am not competent enough or experienced enough to teach. Also, the teaching environment that I was in was too much for me to handle, I felt lost most of the time. My self-efficacy as a teacher just went down. I needed to get out of that environment, and I did.

Ya Allah. Tiba-tiba je dah nak masuk week 4? I haven't even finished some of my readings from week 1! Kenapa semester ni cepat sangat? and I am so behind in one of my units, sebab takde kelas so macam leka tak keep up dengan readings. Dah la paling susah. I am in deep trouble! Come on Ika get back on track please. Jangan main-main sangat...this is your final semester, finish it with a Bang. I need to maintain my GPA. Please don't screw up Ika. Buat malu je nanti. 

This year is my forth year celebrating Eid away from home... and the first time celebrating it with new friends in a new place. So far, Alhamdulillah, I am very happy and grateful to be given the opportunity to be here. We had our Eid prayer at the MQU musolla. It was so nice to see other Malaysians as well as friends from other countries celebrate Eid there too. After the prayer, we decided to join Kak Ila and her family visit one of the mosques here in Sydney. I have never been to a mosque in Sydney before so that was nice. She took us to the one in Auburn...but we arrived a bit late so no one was there. After that, her children wanted to get something from McD so we went to the drive-thru (it's the only halal McD in Sydney I think). Then, we decided to go raya at Kak Ila's house- so nice to eat homemade raya food! :) So, that's basically what I did on my first day of Eid...I had class the next day and also the whole day on Saturday so no more celebrations.  An...

Aidilfitri 2010 with Mara 1, our last Raya together in Wellington.  Not sure whether it is because of Ramadhan or because I'm getting older (wiser? hihi), but I am more patient these days. Alhamdulillah.  Anyway, would like to take this opportunity to wish those who are celebrating: Selamat hari raya aidilfitri! Maaf zahir dan batin!   Drive safe, stay safe, enjoy the food and time with loved ones! I'm hoping that this will be my last time celebrating away from home (and if I have to again, I hope I atleast have a husband by my side with me). InshaaAllah next year, I'd like to be around my family too- it's been too long since we last had a proper raya with everyone in the same place. I'm hoping too, InshaaAllah, that this is my last Ramadhan and Raya as a single woman. I don't know the future and I have no way of seeing/predicting how my future will go, but I hope it will go as planned. Amin. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku, Amin. ...

It has been quite a rough week for me. I was under a lot of stress that my anxiety attacks came back. I haven't had those for a while now, but it's here again. I know some people would say " Ala itu pun nak stress, relax la ", "toughen up!" etc. but believe me I do not ask to have these anxiety attacks. I hate them actually. I've tried everything to make it go away and although it is not as severe as it used to be, I still get them every now and then. Especially if I am under a lot of pressure/stress and could not cope well with the situation. My Mak used to get angry (wait, she still does) when I get these attacks... She thinks I do it on purpose, but it's not like that at all. Who likes to be/feel weak/pressured/stressed? What happens when I get these attacks is, I gag, like I'm about to vomit but nothing comes out. It's something that is out of my control, it just happens. It can happen anywhere at anytime. Close friends know ab...

It's past midnight, and I'm lying on my bed, underneath my blanket, blogging from my phone. I was actually asleep just now, but a text from A woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. I'm relieved that he's happy and settling in just fine. He seems to be adjusting well, Alhamdulillah.  I'm still trying to get used to the time difference between us... waking up when he's asleep and sleeping when he's awake is not fun. But it's alright, it's only for a month, InshaAllah things will be ok. Besides, Uni is starting again next week and hopefully that will take my mind off him.  Oh which reminds me, UNI is starting next week! I know I haven't been doing anything productive since the break started, but I really don't want this holiday to end! It's just so nice not having to worry about assignments and due dates! I can do what I want, when I want and if I want... But oh well... I can't have everything I guess. ...

I decided to privatize my blog for a while... because you see...I don't write well when I know people are reading it. I just get so pressured that I end up not writing at all, hence, the lack of new posts on my blog. I tend to be careful of what I write when I know someone's reading it, especially when the post is about that particular person. Maybe I should change my blog link?  I prefer writing "anonymously" because I can write what I want without having to worry about what people think. I put the "quotation marks" on anonymous because it's not really anonymous...if you are observant enough, you'll definitely know it's me.  Anyway, today's the 4th day of Ramadhan? Alhamdulillah, so far I have been able to fast and perform my terawih prayers every night. InshaAllah I will try to keep this up and may this Ramadhan be better than last year for me. Amin.  My first semester results came out yesterday, and Alhamdulillah I thin...

This is not funny anymore. So far all the assignments that I got back only scored Credit. I'm starting to think I'm not smart enough for this whole Masters thing. Come on brain, please work. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku untuk belajar. Amin I know I should be grateful that at least it's not just a pass. But I think I can do better..... :( *feeling very very sad and down.

I feel like I haven't written on this blog for so long... I had something to write a few nights ago but I was too lazy to do it using my phone... And now I forgot what I wanted to write about. I've just finished having lunch with Jo... She made omelletes and we had it with rice. I'm planning to make spagetti carbonara tonite..because the milk is expiring in two days hehe. I have tonnes of assignments and reading to do/catch up on. Hopefully I get to submit and complete them all. I think I really sayang him and our relationship. But ofcourse I can't tell him that. But I hope he knows.

Currently listening to Leaving on a Jetplane (it suddenly played on my Itunes...I didn't choose it) and this part of the song came out "When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring..." Hehe. Ok I better stop before I start to merepek . So, this is my second week here in MQU. I think I am starting to understand how postgraduate life works. Basically, we have no life. I've just finished jotting down my assignments for this semester on my beautiful 2013 MQU planner and I realised that I have zero free time. NONE. Nada. Zip, Zero, Zilch. Haha. Thank God it's only for one year...Hopefully I'll make it through fine and in one piece. So far, I'm enjoying 2 out of 4 of my courses (but still not enjoying the workload). I like EdPsych...it's almost exactly like how I remembered it to be (but so far no one can top Matt McCrudden, he'll always be my number one EdPsych lecturer...). Don't get me wrong, the current EdPsych lecturer that I have is a...

Assalamualaikum. So... It's been a while since I last wrote anything. The last post was actually written on my last day in Malaysia but I did not publish it then because it wasn't done...but when I continued writing it two nights ago, I realised I was bored of listing out the things I'll miss (because it's going to be an endless list!) but decided to publish whatever I have written anyway. Seeing that Zaty is actually reading my blog, I've decided to write another post, to update her (heheh). First of all, it has been a very (thinking of the right words to include here...) interesting, adventurous, a little bit confusing and scary week for me. Two weeks ago, I kind of made the decision to just drop everything and move to a different country and do my masters (yes, exactly two weeks). Well, I actually applied for this whole thing since last year, it just took a while for my sponsor to approve it (wait, I think I already wrote about this in my first post, so ...

Everything feels so surreal... Just like in the movies. I was suddenly reminded of Lagenda Budak Setan, the scene where the girl suddenly broke the news that she was going to New Zealand the next day... (Can't remember whether to work or study)...but the way she said it, was as if it was THAT easy to move to another country! Well, now I kind of wish it was that easy... Just pack my bags and make sure my tickets are ready and just go. Simple. No hassle at all. But it's not! It's far from simple... I don't know how I am going to leave and tell everyone the news tomorrow. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku untuk sambung belajar...

I think I am mostly done filling up the forms...I just need to matikan setem etc... which I will probably ask for my father's help for all that.  I hate filling up forms...always have always will. When I received my offer to do my undergraduate degree back in 2008, it was my father who filled up all those forms. I didn't do much except being excited about going to a new place.  But at 26, of course my father will no longer do that for me. So like it or not, I had to do it. He had to remind me everyday to fill up those forms and I finally did... it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have one more day to settle all my school work, so that I don't burden the people I leave behind. I hope everything will go smoothly until my departure date, and hopefully when I'm there too. The less drama, the better.  Anyway, one of the things that keep playing in my mind is whether or not anything could ever happen between him and I. I like the way things are n...

It has become a habit of mine to start a new blog whenever I feel stressed out with things that are happening around me. And this one, like many others that I have started, probably won't last that long too. I just have this itch to write how I'm feeling when I feel like nobody understands what I'm going through...(most of the time, it's just me being mengada ...but everyone has their mengada moments sometimes)  Why am I stressed? Well because...a few days ago, I received a huge news. News that's going to change my life in a very significant way. Let me start from the start so that no one is confused (haha it's not like anyone is reading anyway).  Last year, back in October, I decided to apply for Masters in Australia. Part of the reason was because I was tired of the things that was happening around school, and I was missing my life as a student so terribly. My status working there was still contract, and I could actually leave if I wanted to. But the...