Significantly significant




I decided to privatize my blog for a while... because you see...I don't write well when I know people are reading it. I just get so pressured that I end up not writing at all, hence, the lack of new posts on my blog. I tend to be careful of what I write when I know someone's reading it, especially when the post is about that particular person. Maybe I should change my blog link? 

I prefer writing "anonymously" because I can write what I want without having to worry about what people think. I put the "quotation marks" on anonymous because it's not really anonymous...if you are observant enough, you'll definitely know it's me. 

Anyway, today's the 4th day of Ramadhan? Alhamdulillah, so far I have been able to fast and perform my terawih prayers every night. InshaAllah I will try to keep this up and may this Ramadhan be better than last year for me. Amin. 

My first semester results came out yesterday, and Alhamdulillah I think I did quite okay considering how hard it was for me! It was a very stressful and confusing semester and it's quite a miracle that I actually made it through...and now I have one more semester to go before I graduate my Master's degree! Hopefully next semester will be better because I should know how things work now and should be more prepared compared to last semester.

On a different topic, I have been having these doubts lately and it's been affecting my mood a lot. It's about A and I. Things are great so far but I can't help but have these doubts- does he really want to be with me? Why me? I keep feeling like I'm a second option that he decided to take after that girl. I also can't help but feel jealous that he asked her to marry him. I know I should let the past be in the past, but, why don't I feel like I am special to him? I mean, I have this feeling that this whole "let's get married" thing is mostly my idea and he is just going along with it. I hate the feeling that I love him more than he loves me and I want him more than he wants me. Sometimes I feel like disappearing just to see if he really cares. He's been telling me to wait until after I finish my Masters before we discuss the wedding thing in detail. I mean, I'm fine with that (getting married after I finish) but I'm just wondering why is it different with me? If the other girl had said yes, they would probably already be married by now and no waiting is required...but why do I have to wait? I have this feeling that he's less enthusiastic than I am about this whole marriage thing. I'm probably over thinking things way too much but I just can't help it. I just want to feel special, you know? Like, I want him to be the one who wants me, instead of me pushing him to be with me. I saw a few posts on his FB that I think was referring to the girl. I can't remember the last time he wrote anything that referred to me. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just be happy? I hope this feeling goes away before something bad really happens between us. I really want us to work...I have a good feeling that he can be a good husband to me and we can be happy together. I know I'm not that pretty but I do know I am loyal- and I do know when I love someone, I will try my best to make them happy... 

Awak, I know sometimes I drive you mad and I do things to annoy you, but please know that I really do love you.

I just want to be someone significant in your life.

:(

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