Unpacking Life -

I always think of myself as a very dull person. If people ask me what I do during my free time, I will most probably say "I don't know ay?". I used to like reading, but now I can't even finish a book (no matter how interesting the book is). The only reading I do now is for my courses- journal articles etc.  I think I was into baking for a bit a few years ago. But it got too ' renyah ' for me and I would always end up with a dozen of cupcakes with no one to eat it.  I tried running/jogging, but that did not last.  I don't really watch TV, I don't even own a TV. I do like shopping, but I don't have the money to sustain that hobby. So, what then? What do I like? So after I did some thinking, I came to the conclusion that cooking is the only thing I never got bored of. I really enjoy being in the kitchen trying out new recipes. I'm not an expert or anything, but I do love it a lot. Whenever I'm stressed out wi...

I actually don't think that you deserve to be written about in this blog. But since I am angry right now, and I need an outlet to channel my negative energy, here goes. Firstly, I honestly think you are one manipulative b***ch. You pretend to be so helpless and clueless so that you can take advantage of people. We sensed that about you since the first time we met you. That's why we stopped helping you. If we knew you would do this to us, we would never have considered you when we were house-hunting. The only reason we agreed to let you live with us was because we thought it wasn't nice to leave you on your own (since it was your first time being away from home etc.). We even let you have YOUR OWN ROOM while we had to share a room (and still divided the rent the same between us!). You did not help at all with the house-hunting, "because you don't know what to do bla bla". When you moved in, you pretended to be so helpless and expect people to carry your ba...

What I don't know can't hurt me Should not hurt me But why then Do I keep having this uneasy feeling inside my heart Why do I keep wondering Who you're talking to late at night When it's not me? Yep. I think too much.

I am tired But I can't sleep My head is full of worries Of assignments and deadlines Will I be able to get it all done? But what's occupying my mind the most is You Despite the tonnes of work that I have to do, I still wish I could talk to you Only you can make me feel better Make me calm But I can't So I guess I better just try to Sleep

Me, sitting at my desk, struggling to finish my reading.  I turn to my roommate: "No matter how hard this is and how much I am struggling right now, this is still better than teaching. This is 'pain' that I'm willing to go through" then my roommate says: "Yes because as a student, if you don't know what you're doing, it's part of the process, but as a teacher, if you don't know what you're doing..." Me: "...then you feel like a failure! yeah..." *Don't get me wrong, I love teaching and I love my students. It's just that I sometimes feel that I am not competent enough or experienced enough to teach. Also, the teaching environment that I was in was too much for me to handle, I felt lost most of the time. My self-efficacy as a teacher just went down. I needed to get out of that environment, and I did.

I'm quiet not because I'm angry not because I stopped caring or stopped loving you I'm quiet because I'm tired because I need to re-evaluate myself I need to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings I need to learn to be happy on my own before I can be happy with you I'm sorry for all my imperfections I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Sorry for being difficult Please know that it is not my intention to hurt you or cause any problems

I was blog-hopping when I stumbled upon this post by an ex-college mate. Definitely something for me to think about: "Detachment is being detached from the consequences of your thorough choices, from things that make you feel negative or sad, detachment from materialistic things in life that you must have in order to make you feel good everyday, or from the things that a person mistakenly say or do instead of the person itself. It is about letting go of utter control and feel okay with it. Being detached, you will have peace of mind knowing that what is meant for you will come to you, and what is not meant for you will pass . When you are free of attachments, it gives you freedom and courage to venture out into the world, travel far and wide to see the world in search of meaning and marvel in the creation of the Creator. You will know that you will have nothing to lose with travelling. All the money you spent is replaced with experiences that stretch your mind wide, th...

"Sometimes I wonder if you intentionally want to hurt me..."

Dear you, I haven't heard from you since you told me you've arrived home this morning. I hope you are okay, I know you must be tired and probably a bit jet-lagged. You're probably feeling a little bit uncomfortable with the weather too, but it'll be okay soon. Your body just needs to adjust to the Malaysian weather again. When you told me how hot it is in Malaysia, it instantly reminded me of my first time coming home back in 2008 after spending a year in NZ. I thought my friends were over reacting when they talked about how hot the weather is in Malaysia, but then I found out that they were telling the truth. I was so uncomfortable the first few days that I wanted to stay in my room with the aircond on all the time. It took me a few days to adjust. Anyway, I'm writing this because I want to talk to you so bad right now, but I don't want to bother you. So I decided to write this. I'm not sure if you will ever get to read this since I don't even k...

Ya Allah. Tiba-tiba je dah nak masuk week 4? I haven't even finished some of my readings from week 1! Kenapa semester ni cepat sangat? and I am so behind in one of my units, sebab takde kelas so macam leka tak keep up dengan readings. Dah la paling susah. I am in deep trouble! Come on Ika get back on track please. Jangan main-main sangat...this is your final semester, finish it with a Bang. I need to maintain my GPA. Please don't screw up Ika. Buat malu je nanti. 

"Love the body you have, work for the body you want" That quote is what I am trying to be right now. It's hard, but I'm trying. Those who know me for a long time would know that I've been struggling with body issues since I was about 12. I have always been on the chubby side. Compared to my two sisters, I think I am the least attractive. They are both tall and slim, good skin, with the best facial features. Growing up, I could never share clothes with any of my sisters because of my size. I was quite heavy during my early teenage years, but when I was 15 I somehow managed to shed 15kgs off and it was probably the best time of my life. Boys actually started to notice me (now I know how superficial they were). I felt good about my body. But then I gained all the weight again when I was 17. I think I was at my heaviest when I was 19 and weighed 64 kgs. For someone who is only 155 cm tall, that was already considered overweight. Then, I co...

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother caring so much about someone who probably doesn't even care that much about me. Why do I allow myself to go through this again and again? When will I learn? Maybe I should stop caring just a little bit. you know... to protect my own heart. I'm not asking much from you, except for just maybe show a little bit of appreciation. It's not that hard, and it won't cost you anything. Maybe next Tuesday is a mistake. But I don't think I can cancel it now. "Why make someone a priority, when you're only an option"

This year is my forth year celebrating Eid away from home... and the first time celebrating it with new friends in a new place. So far, Alhamdulillah, I am very happy and grateful to be given the opportunity to be here. We had our Eid prayer at the MQU musolla. It was so nice to see other Malaysians as well as friends from other countries celebrate Eid there too. After the prayer, we decided to join Kak Ila and her family visit one of the mosques here in Sydney. I have never been to a mosque in Sydney before so that was nice. She took us to the one in Auburn...but we arrived a bit late so no one was there. After that, her children wanted to get something from McD so we went to the drive-thru (it's the only halal McD in Sydney I think). Then, we decided to go raya at Kak Ila's house- so nice to eat homemade raya food! :) So, that's basically what I did on my first day of Eid...I had class the next day and also the whole day on Saturday so no more celebrations.  An...

I always believe in: "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all" Although I admit, sometimes, I slip too. Most of the time it's because I cannot control my emotions and in the end hurt the people I care about the most. But I do try my hardest, to think about my words, before saying them. For words can cause severe damage, it has the potential to break hearts, ruin marriages and hurt people. Once you say something, you can never take it back, whether you meant it or not. So people, please, if the words you are about to say can hurt other people, then don't say it. Think about how it may affect other people (even if they mean nothing to you). What you say may cause problems to other people's relationships. You can joke all you want, but make it private, so that those who are indirectly involved do not take it the wrong way. Long distance relationships are hard enough, I do not need you ruin things with your thoughtless...

It has been quite a rough week for me. I was under a lot of stress that my anxiety attacks came back. I haven't had those for a while now, but it's here again. I know some people would say " Ala itu pun nak stress, relax la ", "toughen up!" etc. but believe me I do not ask to have these anxiety attacks. I hate them actually. I've tried everything to make it go away and although it is not as severe as it used to be, I still get them every now and then. Especially if I am under a lot of pressure/stress and could not cope well with the situation. My Mak used to get angry (wait, she still does) when I get these attacks... She thinks I do it on purpose, but it's not like that at all. Who likes to be/feel weak/pressured/stressed? What happens when I get these attacks is, I gag, like I'm about to vomit but nothing comes out. It's something that is out of my control, it just happens. It can happen anywhere at anytime. Close friends know ab...

To say I miss you is an understatement. I wish we don't have to be apart - this long distance thing is not fun for me anymore. Can we be together now, always, please?

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes Don't always say, what's on my mind You know that I've been hurt, by some guy But I don't wanna mess up this time [BRIDGE] And I really really really care And I really really really want you And I think I'm kinda scared Cos I don't want to lose you If you really really really care Then maybe you can hang through I hope you understand It's nothing to you [CHORUS] My heart's at a low I'm so much to manage I think you should know that I've been damaged I'm falling in love There's one disadvantage I think you should know that I've been damaged I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through Don't know what you got yourself into And I really really really care (And I care about you so much) And...

One more sleep before he leaves for the UK. His flight's tomorrow morning. Safe journey awak, I pray that awak selamat pergi dan balik. Remember to have fun over there :) 

I was so bored today that I decided to browse through friends' Instagram photos and realised how far left behind I am compared to them. Most of them already have stable jobs, are either engaged or already married, already have kids or are pregnant with their first child.  What do I have? What have I achieved so far?  I'm turning 26 this year.  No job, no husband, no kids. and I still live like I'm 21.  I can't help but feel envious of them when I look at their wedding/baby photos and how happy they look.  I have to admit, it does get lonely sometimes. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I want someone cuddle and talk to at night, to wake up to in the morning, to love, to spoil, to argue with, get annoyed with, to cook for, to look after, to cry to, and basically to spend the rest of my life with.  I really hope our plan to get married next June comes true. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and ...

I decided to privatize my blog for a while... because you see...I don't write well when I know people are reading it. I just get so pressured that I end up not writing at all, hence, the lack of new posts on my blog. I tend to be careful of what I write when I know someone's reading it, especially when the post is about that particular person. Maybe I should change my blog link?  I prefer writing "anonymously" because I can write what I want without having to worry about what people think. I put the "quotation marks" on anonymous because it's not really anonymous...if you are observant enough, you'll definitely know it's me.  Anyway, today's the 4th day of Ramadhan? Alhamdulillah, so far I have been able to fast and perform my terawih prayers every night. InshaAllah I will try to keep this up and may this Ramadhan be better than last year for me. Amin.  My first semester results came out yesterday, and Alhamdulillah I thin...