Body issues


"Love the body you have, work for the body you want"

That quote is what I am trying to be right now. It's hard, but I'm trying.

Those who know me for a long time would know that I've been struggling with body issues since I was about 12. I have always been on the chubby side. Compared to my two sisters, I think I am the least attractive. They are both tall and slim, good skin, with the best facial features. Growing up, I could never share clothes with any of my sisters because of my size.

I was quite heavy during my early teenage years, but when I was 15 I somehow managed to shed 15kgs off and it was probably the best time of my life. Boys actually started to notice me (now I know how superficial they were). I felt good about my body. But then I gained all the weight again when I was 17. I think I was at my heaviest when I was 19 and weighed 64 kgs. For someone who is only 155 cm tall, that was already considered overweight. Then, I continued my studies overseas and due to the amount of walking that I had to do everyday, plus my lack of cooking skills at the time, I managed to get rid of all the excess weight. I think I looked good and I felt good too. I felt a sense of achievement everytime I went shopping and discovering that I was a size smaller than I previously was. I went from a size 14 to a size 8 at the end of my undergraduate years. It was a good feeling.

But then I came back to my homeland and gained all the weight again. I think it had to do with the nasty breakup and I was just under a lot of stress. And then i started my first teaching post in Pontian and work caused me even more stress. I ate a lot during the short time I was teaching and it was mostly fastfood. I think I ate McDonalds at least 3 times a week because I did not have time to cook. I think I gained at least 10 kgs during the 10 months I was teaching. 

After that I got the opportunity to continue my studies so I came here. Once again, I managed to lose a lot of weight and now I am again at a comfortable size 8 (uk). I do plan to lose a little more and become a size 6 if possible. 

However, due to my gaining and losing weight over the years, I have a lot of stretch marks that I wish I didn't have. It's not that bad or that noticeable but it still makes me feel insecure about my body. I hate looking at myself naked. There are just so many things I wish was different about my body. I wish I have better skin too. 

I'm quite insecure about my body that sometimes I have this fear that my future husband will not find me attractive. Sometimes when I talk to A we would talk about appearances and he would mention things he does not find attractive, then I would go on and think to myself "but wait, I have that... That's me...". But I couldn't tell him that so I would just keep quiet and change the topic. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel insecure about myself, how would he know how I feel about my body? It's not something I am comfortable discussing about, especially with him. 

What if he finds me unattractive once we get married?

I know I should be grateful with what I have, but I'm only human and I cannot help but envy those with perfect bodies. 

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