Unpacking Life -

"You have this idea in your head about what and how it's going to be like when you finally meet this person you want to be with. But when things do not happen the way you imagine it, you start to think that he doesn't love you and you start to feel insecure. You should not feel that way!" "Do not expect too much, and do not expect to get back whatever you give. But then again do not settle!" "If you have something to say to him, just say it! It doesn't matter if he gets angry" "If you feel like something is wrong, tell him! You'll save a lot of time!" "You're the type of person who when you love, you really love. You have to learn to be cool" -This is from my 17-year old sister when I asked her if she thinks Amir loves me. 

What I don't know can't hurt me Should not hurt me But why then Do I keep having this uneasy feeling inside my heart Why do I keep wondering Who you're talking to late at night When it's not me? Yep. I think too much.

I am tired But I can't sleep My head is full of worries Of assignments and deadlines Will I be able to get it all done? But what's occupying my mind the most is You Despite the tonnes of work that I have to do, I still wish I could talk to you Only you can make me feel better Make me calm But I can't So I guess I better just try to Sleep

I'm quiet not because I'm angry not because I stopped caring or stopped loving you I'm quiet because I'm tired because I need to re-evaluate myself I need to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings I need to learn to be happy on my own before I can be happy with you I'm sorry for all my imperfections I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Sorry for being difficult Please know that it is not my intention to hurt you or cause any problems

"You don't have to be so mean you know..."

I was blog-hopping when I stumbled upon this post by an ex-college mate. Definitely something for me to think about: "Detachment is being detached from the consequences of your thorough choices, from things that make you feel negative or sad, detachment from materialistic things in life that you must have in order to make you feel good everyday, or from the things that a person mistakenly say or do instead of the person itself. It is about letting go of utter control and feel okay with it. Being detached, you will have peace of mind knowing that what is meant for you will come to you, and what is not meant for you will pass . When you are free of attachments, it gives you freedom and courage to venture out into the world, travel far and wide to see the world in search of meaning and marvel in the creation of the Creator. You will know that you will have nothing to lose with travelling. All the money you spent is replaced with experiences that stretch your mind wide, th...

"Sometimes I wonder if you intentionally want to hurt me..."

Dear you, I haven't heard from you since you told me you've arrived home this morning. I hope you are okay, I know you must be tired and probably a bit jet-lagged. You're probably feeling a little bit uncomfortable with the weather too, but it'll be okay soon. Your body just needs to adjust to the Malaysian weather again. When you told me how hot it is in Malaysia, it instantly reminded me of my first time coming home back in 2008 after spending a year in NZ. I thought my friends were over reacting when they talked about how hot the weather is in Malaysia, but then I found out that they were telling the truth. I was so uncomfortable the first few days that I wanted to stay in my room with the aircond on all the time. It took me a few days to adjust. Anyway, I'm writing this because I want to talk to you so bad right now, but I don't want to bother you. So I decided to write this. I'm not sure if you will ever get to read this since I don't even k...

He once told me that I "saved him". I wonder now that we are 7 months into this relationship, if he still feels that way? I wonder if the things he used to find cute about me, are still cute? I wonder if I'm still the one he thinks about when he wakes up and before he goes to bed? I wonder if he still wants me, as much as I want him? You're still the one I think about all of the time. You're still the one occupying my dreams at night. You're still the one I miss. You're still the one I love. You're still the first person I want to tell things to. You're still the one I want to be with one day. And I hope I'm still all that to you too.

"What if one day he changes his mind about me?" "Well then let him change his mind. Don't marry him. It's going to hurt but at least you won't be married to someone who easily changes his mind" She's right, I know she is. But things are just easier said than done.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother caring so much about someone who probably doesn't even care that much about me. Why do I allow myself to go through this again and again? When will I learn? Maybe I should stop caring just a little bit. you know... to protect my own heart. I'm not asking much from you, except for just maybe show a little bit of appreciation. It's not that hard, and it won't cost you anything. Maybe next Tuesday is a mistake. But I don't think I can cancel it now. "Why make someone a priority, when you're only an option"

I was just done having my buka puasa alone in my room yesterday (roommate had a class and I was too lazy to go to the musolla) when my mother suddenly facetimed me (is that even a word? Lol). It is very unusual of her to do that especially since we just talked earlier that day. Anyway, this came up on the screen when I answered the phone:   I know that's very blurry but that's all I managed to capture when suddenly my mother held this thing up on the screen (and that black box at the top right of the screen is actually me, had to color it in because my hair wasn't properly covered, hehe).  I was confused at first, but then she flipped the card and I saw "Surrey" and immediately I knew who it was from. Mak was so excited she read the postcard out loud ( sabar je lah, nasib baik takde yang jiwang hihi ) and I found that very amusing...both of them (Ayah was there too) were more excited than me! And then Mak asked, why did A sent this to JB instead of ...

I always believe in: "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all" Although I admit, sometimes, I slip too. Most of the time it's because I cannot control my emotions and in the end hurt the people I care about the most. But I do try my hardest, to think about my words, before saying them. For words can cause severe damage, it has the potential to break hearts, ruin marriages and hurt people. Once you say something, you can never take it back, whether you meant it or not. So people, please, if the words you are about to say can hurt other people, then don't say it. Think about how it may affect other people (even if they mean nothing to you). What you say may cause problems to other people's relationships. You can joke all you want, but make it private, so that those who are indirectly involved do not take it the wrong way. Long distance relationships are hard enough, I do not need you ruin things with your thoughtless...

It has been quite a rough week for me. I was under a lot of stress that my anxiety attacks came back. I haven't had those for a while now, but it's here again. I know some people would say " Ala itu pun nak stress, relax la ", "toughen up!" etc. but believe me I do not ask to have these anxiety attacks. I hate them actually. I've tried everything to make it go away and although it is not as severe as it used to be, I still get them every now and then. Especially if I am under a lot of pressure/stress and could not cope well with the situation. My Mak used to get angry (wait, she still does) when I get these attacks... She thinks I do it on purpose, but it's not like that at all. Who likes to be/feel weak/pressured/stressed? What happens when I get these attacks is, I gag, like I'm about to vomit but nothing comes out. It's something that is out of my control, it just happens. It can happen anywhere at anytime. Close friends know ab...

To say I miss you is an understatement. I wish we don't have to be apart - this long distance thing is not fun for me anymore. Can we be together now, always, please?

It's past midnight, and I'm lying on my bed, underneath my blanket, blogging from my phone. I was actually asleep just now, but a text from A woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. I'm relieved that he's happy and settling in just fine. He seems to be adjusting well, Alhamdulillah.  I'm still trying to get used to the time difference between us... waking up when he's asleep and sleeping when he's awake is not fun. But it's alright, it's only for a month, InshaAllah things will be ok. Besides, Uni is starting again next week and hopefully that will take my mind off him.  Oh which reminds me, UNI is starting next week! I know I haven't been doing anything productive since the break started, but I really don't want this holiday to end! It's just so nice not having to worry about assignments and due dates! I can do what I want, when I want and if I want... But oh well... I can't have everything I guess. ...

I was so bored today that I decided to browse through friends' Instagram photos and realised how far left behind I am compared to them. Most of them already have stable jobs, are either engaged or already married, already have kids or are pregnant with their first child.  What do I have? What have I achieved so far?  I'm turning 26 this year.  No job, no husband, no kids. and I still live like I'm 21.  I can't help but feel envious of them when I look at their wedding/baby photos and how happy they look.  I have to admit, it does get lonely sometimes. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I want someone cuddle and talk to at night, to wake up to in the morning, to love, to spoil, to argue with, get annoyed with, to cook for, to look after, to cry to, and basically to spend the rest of my life with.  I really hope our plan to get married next June comes true. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and ...

A is leaving for the UK this Sunday, InshaAllah... not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, we have always been in a long distance relationship since we got together so this should not be that much different, right? Right? Uh... I don't know...I mean, I am excited that he got this opportunity to gain some work experience overseas and I am genuinely happy for him. It's just that, the thought of us being at the opposite sides of the world is a bit ...worrying? What is the time difference between Woking and Sydney anyway? I hope things won't change that much between us.  For me, it's easier to be the one leaving rather than the one being left. It was not hard for me when I had to leave to continue my Master here in Sydney. I was quite excited actually. A and I had just started to get to know each other but it did not bother me that much that we were going to be apart for a year. Maybe because I was the one going to a new place, exploring and discover...

Why do I even bother again? Two nights ago became last night, last night became this morning, this morning became who knows when? Stop wishing something that will never happen Iqa, because you'll keep getting disappointed. You need to learn to be more independent Iqa, care less, maybe? This heart of yours needs to be protected- it's probably already so broken beyond repair. Don't let another person have the chance to ever hurt you again.