Unpacking Life -

It has been quite a rough week for me. I was under a lot of stress that my anxiety attacks came back. I haven't had those for a while now, but it's here again. I know some people would say " Ala itu pun nak stress, relax la ", "toughen up!" etc. but believe me I do not ask to have these anxiety attacks. I hate them actually. I've tried everything to make it go away and although it is not as severe as it used to be, I still get them every now and then. Especially if I am under a lot of pressure/stress and could not cope well with the situation. My Mak used to get angry (wait, she still does) when I get these attacks... She thinks I do it on purpose, but it's not like that at all. Who likes to be/feel weak/pressured/stressed? What happens when I get these attacks is, I gag, like I'm about to vomit but nothing comes out. It's something that is out of my control, it just happens. It can happen anywhere at anytime. Close friends know ab...

A is leaving for the UK this Sunday, InshaAllah... not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, we have always been in a long distance relationship since we got together so this should not be that much different, right? Right? Uh... I don't know...I mean, I am excited that he got this opportunity to gain some work experience overseas and I am genuinely happy for him. It's just that, the thought of us being at the opposite sides of the world is a bit ...worrying? What is the time difference between Woking and Sydney anyway? I hope things won't change that much between us.  For me, it's easier to be the one leaving rather than the one being left. It was not hard for me when I had to leave to continue my Master here in Sydney. I was quite excited actually. A and I had just started to get to know each other but it did not bother me that much that we were going to be apart for a year. Maybe because I was the one going to a new place, exploring and discover...

Why do I even bother again? Two nights ago became last night, last night became this morning, this morning became who knows when? Stop wishing something that will never happen Iqa, because you'll keep getting disappointed. You need to learn to be more independent Iqa, care less, maybe? This heart of yours needs to be protected- it's probably already so broken beyond repair. Don't let another person have the chance to ever hurt you again.

Tonight I find myself back to that familiar place I didn't want and promised would not go back to. But somehow I forgot and end up here again. Need to take a few steps backwards.

You know he loves (?) you when he offers you to drive his brand new car without any hesitation at all. So... I was telling him how I will have to think and plan about getting a new car when I get back early next year since my parents already sold the Myvi that I've been using for the past one year or so. His reply to me was..well you can drive 'Kylie' (The name that he gives to his new car, after Kylie Minogue). And I was like, no I can't do that because that's his car. But he said "Haha boleh jer nak pkai" (Haha, you can use it if you want, no big deal).  I know it might seem like not a big deal to other people, but it is to me. I guess I am important enough in his life eh? Hehe. I know I have never said this to you, but awak, if things work out between us, I am going to make you the happiest man on earth, InshaaAllah.  Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan jodohku. Amin