Unpacking Life -

Before you say something, investigate. Do not assume. That is all.

I glance at the clock,  "One more hour...". My heart is beating faster than usual. I feel nervous. Anxious. But the good kind. I can hear noises outside my room:  people chatting and laughing, furnitures moving, and sometimes my mother's voice asking the person in charge if  everything is in order. I am in my room, sitting at the edge of my bed.  I take a look around.  The room is probably  the nicest it has ever been.  There is a bouquet of flowers on the side  table next to the bed. My best friend is talking about something, but I am not sure what.  I am too distracted. My sister comes into the room, "Are you okay?" "Yes" I smile. "I have to help Mak outside for a bit, I'll be back to check up on you soon okay" A few more people come into the room after that, "Are you nervous?" "Congratulations" "You look beautiful!" Then, my father comes in and I know what it means. He lo...

"I know it is a bad thing to break a promise, but I think now that it is a worse thing to let a promise break you" A northern light by Jennifer Donnelly

I see us Cuddling in bed Not wanting to get up "It's a Sunday!", you say "Let's cuddle a little bit longer" I smile Our bed faces the balcony A ray of sunlight shines through Touching our feet Making them warm Our cat, Zebra, sleeps soundly at the edge of our bed "I'm hungry" "Me too", you reply, kissing my forehead "Pancakes?" "Mmhmm"

I am tired But I can't sleep My head is full of worries Of assignments and deadlines Will I be able to get it all done? But what's occupying my mind the most is You Despite the tonnes of work that I have to do, I still wish I could talk to you Only you can make me feel better Make me calm But I can't So I guess I better just try to Sleep

Me, sitting at my desk, struggling to finish my reading.  I turn to my roommate: "No matter how hard this is and how much I am struggling right now, this is still better than teaching. This is 'pain' that I'm willing to go through" then my roommate says: "Yes because as a student, if you don't know what you're doing, it's part of the process, but as a teacher, if you don't know what you're doing..." Me: "...then you feel like a failure! yeah..." *Don't get me wrong, I love teaching and I love my students. It's just that I sometimes feel that I am not competent enough or experienced enough to teach. Also, the teaching environment that I was in was too much for me to handle, I felt lost most of the time. My self-efficacy as a teacher just went down. I needed to get out of that environment, and I did.

I'm quiet not because I'm angry not because I stopped caring or stopped loving you I'm quiet because I'm tired because I need to re-evaluate myself I need to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings I need to learn to be happy on my own before I can be happy with you I'm sorry for all my imperfections I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Sorry for being difficult Please know that it is not my intention to hurt you or cause any problems

"You don't have to be so mean you know..."

A special birthday cake for a very special person. Hope you like it. Ordered this from deliciouslychocolate  and very happy with their service! :) It's very easy to order online, delivers on time, lets you know if it is successful/not, reasonable price and according to the person I sent it to, their cakes are awesome (this is my second order). For now, they only deliver within the Klang Valley but you can always pick it up at the shop.  Before this, I've tried another cake delivery service but I was not very happy with their service. Although they deliver almost all throughout Malaysia, the quality of the cakes depend on the nearest cake shop available to the address you are delivering to. So, sometimes what you ordered is not the same as what it is delivered and the price that you are paying can sometimes be more than the price of the actual cake. Anyway, I'm very happy with this one- I think I'll be ordering more cakes from them in the futur...

I was blog-hopping when I stumbled upon this post by an ex-college mate. Definitely something for me to think about: "Detachment is being detached from the consequences of your thorough choices, from things that make you feel negative or sad, detachment from materialistic things in life that you must have in order to make you feel good everyday, or from the things that a person mistakenly say or do instead of the person itself. It is about letting go of utter control and feel okay with it. Being detached, you will have peace of mind knowing that what is meant for you will come to you, and what is not meant for you will pass . When you are free of attachments, it gives you freedom and courage to venture out into the world, travel far and wide to see the world in search of meaning and marvel in the creation of the Creator. You will know that you will have nothing to lose with travelling. All the money you spent is replaced with experiences that stretch your mind wide, th...

"Sometimes I wonder if you intentionally want to hurt me..."

Dear you, I haven't heard from you since you told me you've arrived home this morning. I hope you are okay, I know you must be tired and probably a bit jet-lagged. You're probably feeling a little bit uncomfortable with the weather too, but it'll be okay soon. Your body just needs to adjust to the Malaysian weather again. When you told me how hot it is in Malaysia, it instantly reminded me of my first time coming home back in 2008 after spending a year in NZ. I thought my friends were over reacting when they talked about how hot the weather is in Malaysia, but then I found out that they were telling the truth. I was so uncomfortable the first few days that I wanted to stay in my room with the aircond on all the time. It took me a few days to adjust. Anyway, I'm writing this because I want to talk to you so bad right now, but I don't want to bother you. So I decided to write this. I'm not sure if you will ever get to read this since I don't even k...

Ya Allah. Tiba-tiba je dah nak masuk week 4? I haven't even finished some of my readings from week 1! Kenapa semester ni cepat sangat? and I am so behind in one of my units, sebab takde kelas so macam leka tak keep up dengan readings. Dah la paling susah. I am in deep trouble! Come on Ika get back on track please. Jangan main-main sangat...this is your final semester, finish it with a Bang. I need to maintain my GPA. Please don't screw up Ika. Buat malu je nanti. 

He once told me that I "saved him". I wonder now that we are 7 months into this relationship, if he still feels that way? I wonder if the things he used to find cute about me, are still cute? I wonder if I'm still the one he thinks about when he wakes up and before he goes to bed? I wonder if he still wants me, as much as I want him? You're still the one I think about all of the time. You're still the one occupying my dreams at night. You're still the one I miss. You're still the one I love. You're still the first person I want to tell things to. You're still the one I want to be with one day. And I hope I'm still all that to you too.

"What if one day he changes his mind about me?" "Well then let him change his mind. Don't marry him. It's going to hurt but at least you won't be married to someone who easily changes his mind" She's right, I know she is. But things are just easier said than done.

"Love the body you have, work for the body you want" That quote is what I am trying to be right now. It's hard, but I'm trying. Those who know me for a long time would know that I've been struggling with body issues since I was about 12. I have always been on the chubby side. Compared to my two sisters, I think I am the least attractive. They are both tall and slim, good skin, with the best facial features. Growing up, I could never share clothes with any of my sisters because of my size. I was quite heavy during my early teenage years, but when I was 15 I somehow managed to shed 15kgs off and it was probably the best time of my life. Boys actually started to notice me (now I know how superficial they were). I felt good about my body. But then I gained all the weight again when I was 17. I think I was at my heaviest when I was 19 and weighed 64 kgs. For someone who is only 155 cm tall, that was already considered overweight. Then, I co...

"Truth is, I want you more than anything else in this world"

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother caring so much about someone who probably doesn't even care that much about me. Why do I allow myself to go through this again and again? When will I learn? Maybe I should stop caring just a little bit. you know... to protect my own heart. I'm not asking much from you, except for just maybe show a little bit of appreciation. It's not that hard, and it won't cost you anything. Maybe next Tuesday is a mistake. But I don't think I can cancel it now. "Why make someone a priority, when you're only an option"

This year is my forth year celebrating Eid away from home... and the first time celebrating it with new friends in a new place. So far, Alhamdulillah, I am very happy and grateful to be given the opportunity to be here. We had our Eid prayer at the MQU musolla. It was so nice to see other Malaysians as well as friends from other countries celebrate Eid there too. After the prayer, we decided to join Kak Ila and her family visit one of the mosques here in Sydney. I have never been to a mosque in Sydney before so that was nice. She took us to the one in Auburn...but we arrived a bit late so no one was there. After that, her children wanted to get something from McD so we went to the drive-thru (it's the only halal McD in Sydney I think). Then, we decided to go raya at Kak Ila's house- so nice to eat homemade raya food! :) So, that's basically what I did on my first day of Eid...I had class the next day and also the whole day on Saturday so no more celebrations.  An...

Aidilfitri 2010 with Mara 1, our last Raya together in Wellington.  Not sure whether it is because of Ramadhan or because I'm getting older (wiser? hihi), but I am more patient these days. Alhamdulillah.  Anyway, would like to take this opportunity to wish those who are celebrating: Selamat hari raya aidilfitri! Maaf zahir dan batin!   Drive safe, stay safe, enjoy the food and time with loved ones! I'm hoping that this will be my last time celebrating away from home (and if I have to again, I hope I atleast have a husband by my side with me). InshaaAllah next year, I'd like to be around my family too- it's been too long since we last had a proper raya with everyone in the same place. I'm hoping too, InshaaAllah, that this is my last Ramadhan and Raya as a single woman. I don't know the future and I have no way of seeing/predicting how my future will go, but I hope it will go as planned. Amin. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusanku, Amin. ...

I was just done having my buka puasa alone in my room yesterday (roommate had a class and I was too lazy to go to the musolla) when my mother suddenly facetimed me (is that even a word? Lol). It is very unusual of her to do that especially since we just talked earlier that day. Anyway, this came up on the screen when I answered the phone:   I know that's very blurry but that's all I managed to capture when suddenly my mother held this thing up on the screen (and that black box at the top right of the screen is actually me, had to color it in because my hair wasn't properly covered, hehe).  I was confused at first, but then she flipped the card and I saw "Surrey" and immediately I knew who it was from. Mak was so excited she read the postcard out loud ( sabar je lah, nasib baik takde yang jiwang hihi ) and I found that very amusing...both of them (Ayah was there too) were more excited than me! And then Mak asked, why did A sent this to JB instead of ...

I always believe in: "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all" Although I admit, sometimes, I slip too. Most of the time it's because I cannot control my emotions and in the end hurt the people I care about the most. But I do try my hardest, to think about my words, before saying them. For words can cause severe damage, it has the potential to break hearts, ruin marriages and hurt people. Once you say something, you can never take it back, whether you meant it or not. So people, please, if the words you are about to say can hurt other people, then don't say it. Think about how it may affect other people (even if they mean nothing to you). What you say may cause problems to other people's relationships. You can joke all you want, but make it private, so that those who are indirectly involved do not take it the wrong way. Long distance relationships are hard enough, I do not need you ruin things with your thoughtless...

It has been quite a rough week for me. I was under a lot of stress that my anxiety attacks came back. I haven't had those for a while now, but it's here again. I know some people would say " Ala itu pun nak stress, relax la ", "toughen up!" etc. but believe me I do not ask to have these anxiety attacks. I hate them actually. I've tried everything to make it go away and although it is not as severe as it used to be, I still get them every now and then. Especially if I am under a lot of pressure/stress and could not cope well with the situation. My Mak used to get angry (wait, she still does) when I get these attacks... She thinks I do it on purpose, but it's not like that at all. Who likes to be/feel weak/pressured/stressed? What happens when I get these attacks is, I gag, like I'm about to vomit but nothing comes out. It's something that is out of my control, it just happens. It can happen anywhere at anytime. Close friends know ab...