Unpacking Life -

Not being able to hold my baby whenever I want to hurts. It's been 27 days... Next week, 5th April 2015, Yusuf will be 4 weeks. I miss you sayang :(

A few more hours to go before I see my baby Yusuf. I miss you baby. I can't wait to play with you tonight. Sayang Yusuf. Ya Allah, kau sembuhkan dan sihatkanlah anakku Amir Yusuf bin Amir Saleh, Amin.

Ok, after 2 weeks I finally have access to a laptop LOL. I've been asking dear husband to bring the laptop up to the room for me countless times, but I guess he has a lot on his mind that he keeps forgetting. This morning I reminded him again and yeay, I have a laptop! No more browsing from my phone...And oh my, messy nya the previous updates! Sorry for that.  As for Baby Yusuf's update, so far he is doing well Alhamdulillah. I pray every second that he will keep improving and be able to come home soon, Amin. He has started feeding on my EBM, yum yum. Eventhough in small amounts, I am still very happy as this is a very positive sign! He still needs to work on pooping. It takes him more effort to poop I guess. I went to see him yesterday morning and Dr. Alexis told me that if everything goes well, they want to try to take out the tubes from his mouth. I was so happy to hear that news. However, after Prof. Lucy assessed him, she decided that Yusuf is not ready. Oh well, ...

Sorry I haven't been updating. Yusuf is doing well so far- recovering from post op. Waiting for the green light from PICU for him to start feeding on my EBM.  I hope things continue to improve and that there will be no more complications and that Baby Yusuf can come home yo us very very soon, InshaaAllah Amin! EBM stock all ready for you Baby Yusuf!  We love you!

We arrived at the hospital quite early, at around  8 am . When we entered PICU, the doctors were already assessing Yusuf's condition. I see a bed next to his bed... And the nurses were busy turning off and transferring the machines to the other bed. I have to admit, I had my hopes high that today is the day that Yusuf can go into surgery. Dr. Alexis said that they are still waiting for Dr. Gan to make the decision but if Yusuf is ok, they have scheduled his OT  at 11 am . A moment later Dr. Gan came, I saw him discussing with the other doctors, sometimes nodding, sometimes shooking his head. I was very nervous... I wanted my baby to be stable and be able to go for surgery... I had to excuse myself to pump milk for Yusuf. I asked husband to stay there and inform me of any updates..  My phone battery decided to die when i was in the middle of pumping milk. I decided to stop and go back to PICU. When I arrived, Yusuf was already transferred to a different bed. His eyes were ...

My dear baby boy, Please keep being strong. We cannot wait for you to come home.  You're right in front of me now and my heart is just breaking into pieces because of the fact that I cannot hold you in my arms and kiss you. You're 7 days old today... You are getting chubbier.  May Allah swt protect you everyday. I pray that your health improves everyday and that you will be fit enough for surgery. When we came in this morning, the PICU team were already assessing you. I had a feeling that today is not the day because I could see it from Dr. Gan's face. And I was right. He said you were not urinating enough to get rid of the swelling around your body... They introduced a new drug to make you pee. I hope you pee enough and everything else continues to impeove and that surgery can happen soon. And may you recover as soon as possible and come home to us. Amir Yusuf, please be strong for me baby... Ya Allah tabahkanlah hati anakku, lindungilah dia dan sihatkanlah dia.  Allahum...

We went to see Yusuf this morning. Alhamdulillah he looks good. He no longer needs the machine to support his breathing and his drugs have been reduced to only one. And I think they will try to cut that off too.  He opened his eyes today, we talked to him and told him we have registered his birth certificate. I did not cry at all today, maybe because my baby looked so strong, as if he doesn't even have CDH. I love that the nurse who took care of him put on his dinasour hat that we bought. He's also wearing the diapers that we brought... And i notice the nurse applied baby lotion on him so his skin isn't so dry.  Last night we received a call from Dr. Alexis. They asked for our consent to transfer platlet to Yusuf to increase his platlet count. My husband gave the green  light and we told them we were coming the next morning. Alhamdulillah, his platlet count increased and they were no negative reactions to it. He still needs to pee a lot before the operation. I'm feeling...

We went to the hosp around 9am on the 8th of march to see prof dr yik. The lead surgeon who will do the surgery for our son. He came to see us around  1 pm  and explained yusuf's condition and the procedure that he will do. He told us that if the PICU team gives a green light, yusuf can go for the operation on monday. Went home and explained it to mak and ayah. Asked for everyone to pray for yusuf.  9 march Came really early, feeling positive. However, PICU team ask prof yik another 24 hours for the surgery. They would like to stop the NOx machine and reduce all the drugs so that yusuf is fit for surgery.  For the first time, i got to see my baby opened his eyes. I was shocked, but syg told me to keep talking to him. I recited selawat for him and kept talking to him. Felt even more positive. 10 march Came early hoping that yusuf is ready for surgery. The lead of PICU told us that they want to wait a couple more days because his platlet count is still low. This can be...

7 march 2015 Went to see you yesterday. Yusuf. Amir yusuf. My beautiful son. I wish i could take you home with me sayang. Yusuf please stay strong and get well soon boy. Mak and ayah love you very much and we cannot wait to bring you home Received a call from the hosp at night, the doctor wants to see us this morning (8march2015) around 10-11 am I need to be strong for yusuf. Sayang, i love u so much. I will always love you.  Ayah and mak are always here for you ok sayang. Dont worry you are in good hands. The doctors are doing all they can to help you baby sayang. Allahuakbar

The past 3 days have been an emotional rollercoaster for my husband and i... And it still is and will continue to be until.. I dont know when. I dont think our lives will ever be the same again. Our baby, we've decided to name him Amir Yusuf bin Amir Saleh, was born through c-section on the 5th march 2015... He is born with a birth condition called congenital diapraghmatic hernia, which is when there is a hole in his diaphragm and the other organs shifted up crushing his lung... He needs surgery once his breathing is more stable. We did not know about his condition... Even during pregnancy, apart from being a gdm mom, my pregnancy was quite normal. He was quite an active baby... 4 march 12 pm We were told to go into labor when his amniotic fluid got too low... We still wanted a normal vaginal birth so waited for the baby to come after being induced. The doctor first inserted half a dosage... And i was only 3cm dilated by the next morning. Baby's hb was monitored almost 24 hours...

Found this on my iphone notes. I wrote this for dear husband on the 26th February 2015, a week before our baby was born: To my dearest husband, InshaaAllah in a few weeks (or days) our lives will be changed forever. We're bringing this precious gift from Allah into this world for us to love and take care of. I pray that we will do a great job raising this baby... And i hope our love for each other will remain strong...  Before I head into the labor room to birth this baby, i want to apologise for every wrongdoings on my part. Sorry if i haven't been a good wife to u. Sy harap awak redha dengan saya... And saya harap kita akan terus kuat and be together dgn izin-Nya. I am so grateful Allah jadikan awk jodoh saya... Saya sgt appreciate all the things u do for me No matter what happens, i love you with all my heart ❤

I will be updating notes/writings/scribbles etc. of our journey starting from before our baby boy was born to current updates... I apologise for the bad grammar as all of it were/will be written as I go. Hopefully this will give me strength to go through this. 

Alhamdulillah, syukur kepada Allah swt, with his izin, I safely gave birth to a baby boy through c-sect on the 5th March 2015 at 7.10 pm.  Our baby boy, however, is diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH), a condition where his diaphragrm has a hole which caused his intestines to go up and his lungs could not develop. He needs surgery to bring down his instestines and hopefully his lungs can develop in time. Currently our baby boy is  under doctor's observation... They are making sure that he is really stable to undergo surgery. Right now, all I ask is for everyone reading this to pray for my baby. Pray that he is strong enough to go through surgery and post surgery. Pray for his recovery, pray that he will be able to come home and be with us. I miss my baby every moment of my waking life. Ya Allah please give our family the strength to go through this.  Ya Allah, lindungilah anakku dan permudahkanlah urusannya.  Allahumma yassir wala tu'assir, robbi tam...