Unpacking Life -

To say I miss you is an understatement. I wish we don't have to be apart - this long distance thing is not fun for me anymore. Can we be together now, always, please?

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes Don't always say, what's on my mind You know that I've been hurt, by some guy But I don't wanna mess up this time [BRIDGE] And I really really really care And I really really really want you And I think I'm kinda scared Cos I don't want to lose you If you really really really care Then maybe you can hang through I hope you understand It's nothing to you [CHORUS] My heart's at a low I'm so much to manage I think you should know that I've been damaged I'm falling in love There's one disadvantage I think you should know that I've been damaged I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through Don't know what you got yourself into And I really really really care (And I care about you so much) And...

I haven't been sleeping well lately... it's been like this for a few nights already. I've been waking up at odd times in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep. I feel restless and tired. Something's bothering my mind. I have this fear, this fear that the person I love will stop loving me, or cheat, and break my heart. I know that probably everyone has this fear but this is one of my biggest fears. I didn't use to be like this, I mean, it was not something that I constantly think about. I probably have always had this fear, but lately it's on my mind a lot. I think my previous failed relationship has a lot to do with it, I find it really hard to trust anyone. I know it isn't fair to the person I am currently with, but I think I need a lot more than words to be convinced that he is not going to/will not hurt me.  My previous relationship lasted for about 3 years. We studied at the same University but he graduated one and a ha...

It's past midnight, and I'm lying on my bed, underneath my blanket, blogging from my phone. I was actually asleep just now, but a text from A woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. I'm relieved that he's happy and settling in just fine. He seems to be adjusting well, Alhamdulillah.  I'm still trying to get used to the time difference between us... waking up when he's asleep and sleeping when he's awake is not fun. But it's alright, it's only for a month, InshaAllah things will be ok. Besides, Uni is starting again next week and hopefully that will take my mind off him.  Oh which reminds me, UNI is starting next week! I know I haven't been doing anything productive since the break started, but I really don't want this holiday to end! It's just so nice not having to worry about assignments and due dates! I can do what I want, when I want and if I want... But oh well... I can't have everything I guess. ...

One more sleep before he leaves for the UK. His flight's tomorrow morning. Safe journey awak, I pray that awak selamat pergi dan balik. Remember to have fun over there :) 

I was so bored today that I decided to browse through friends' Instagram photos and realised how far left behind I am compared to them. Most of them already have stable jobs, are either engaged or already married, already have kids or are pregnant with their first child.  What do I have? What have I achieved so far?  I'm turning 26 this year.  No job, no husband, no kids. and I still live like I'm 21.  I can't help but feel envious of them when I look at their wedding/baby photos and how happy they look.  I have to admit, it does get lonely sometimes. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I want someone cuddle and talk to at night, to wake up to in the morning, to love, to spoil, to argue with, get annoyed with, to cook for, to look after, to cry to, and basically to spend the rest of my life with.  I really hope our plan to get married next June comes true. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and ...

You know what bothers me? The fact that they have the same nose and that they kind of look alike. You know how people say if you look like each other, it's a sign that your jodoh is strong with that person?

A is leaving for the UK this Sunday, InshaAllah... not really sure how I feel about this. I mean, we have always been in a long distance relationship since we got together so this should not be that much different, right? Right? Uh... I don't know...I mean, I am excited that he got this opportunity to gain some work experience overseas and I am genuinely happy for him. It's just that, the thought of us being at the opposite sides of the world is a bit ...worrying? What is the time difference between Woking and Sydney anyway? I hope things won't change that much between us.  For me, it's easier to be the one leaving rather than the one being left. It was not hard for me when I had to leave to continue my Master here in Sydney. I was quite excited actually. A and I had just started to get to know each other but it did not bother me that much that we were going to be apart for a year. Maybe because I was the one going to a new place, exploring and discover...

Why do I even bother again? Two nights ago became last night, last night became this morning, this morning became who knows when? Stop wishing something that will never happen Iqa, because you'll keep getting disappointed. You need to learn to be more independent Iqa, care less, maybe? This heart of yours needs to be protected- it's probably already so broken beyond repair. Don't let another person have the chance to ever hurt you again.

I decided to privatize my blog for a while... because you see...I don't write well when I know people are reading it. I just get so pressured that I end up not writing at all, hence, the lack of new posts on my blog. I tend to be careful of what I write when I know someone's reading it, especially when the post is about that particular person. Maybe I should change my blog link?  I prefer writing "anonymously" because I can write what I want without having to worry about what people think. I put the "quotation marks" on anonymous because it's not really anonymous...if you are observant enough, you'll definitely know it's me.  Anyway, today's the 4th day of Ramadhan? Alhamdulillah, so far I have been able to fast and perform my terawih prayers every night. InshaAllah I will try to keep this up and may this Ramadhan be better than last year for me. Amin.  My first semester results came out yesterday, and Alhamdulillah I thin...

Dehydrated- my skin is so dry it hurts. The washing machine broke. My laptop does not want to detect my wifi. And feeling horrible for trying to do something nice for a person I care about. How's your day?

So here I am, back in Sydney again. I'm supposed to start choosing the courses I want to take next semester but I'm just too lazy to do it now- still in my holiday mode... I guess it's alright and I think I have plenty of time to settle that, the  final date to enrol is on the 29th July. One month of break! Yay. Life is good. Alhamdulillah. Athera is coming tomorrow so will have to wake up early and go pick her up.  ........ Haha I actually wrote the above last night but then I got bored and just went to sleep. I'm in the train right now, on my way to pick up thera at the airport... Goodness the return train tix to the airport is so expensive! Lol. But it's alright... It's not everyday that friends come to visit me here in the land down under! :) Anyway, I can't wait for tonight... Jo and I are taking thera to see Phedre at the Sydney opera house! This will be my first time too so I'm quite excited! :)  Not really sure what w...