One of my biggest fears...

I haven't been sleeping well lately... it's been like this for a few nights already. I've been waking up at odd times in the middle of the night and find it hard to go back to sleep. I feel restless and tired. Something's bothering my mind.

I have this fear, this fear that the person I love will stop loving me, or cheat, and break my heart. I know that probably everyone has this fear but this is one of my biggest fears. I didn't use to be like this, I mean, it was not something that I constantly think about. I probably have always had this fear, but lately it's on my mind a lot. I think my previous failed relationship has a lot to do with it, I find it really hard to trust anyone. I know it isn't fair to the person I am currently with, but I think I need a lot more than words to be convinced that he is not going to/will not hurt me. 

My previous relationship lasted for about 3 years. We studied at the same University but he graduated one and a half years earlier than me. After he went back to Malaysia in 2010, it was long distance for us until I came back. And even then, it was still a long distance relationship because we live in different states. Anyway, being in a long distance relationship was not hard for me because I really trusted him. We were quite happy and almost everyone knew we were together. We already made plans to get married as soon as I graduate and things were fine. Well, I thought they were. 

Thinking back, when I was with him, I think I was the one who made the effort to ensure that the relationship worked. It was always me who called and texted him everyday, asking if he was alright. When we were studying together, I even cooked lunch and ate with him almost everyday. I did a lot of things for him and I was convinced that I was happy. But I wasn't, I think deep down I knew I wasn't happy...

Everything was fine until I came back for good. We were already talking about our marriage plans and he already bought the ring and stuff. I purposely came back earlier than my friends because I was excited about this new life that I was going into. Things did not go the way I expected it. Even though we were in the same country again, I have never felt more distanced from him. We grew even more apart- it was hard to make time to see each other, something always came up. Then one day I asked him about our engagement plans, and that's when he told me he wasn't ready and that maybe we should postpone it. He said something about wanting to enjoy his single life and not be tied to anyone yet. I was so disappointed that I decided to end the relationship altogether. 

But it wasn't that that made me fear of losing the one I love. Nope- that was still fine...I mean, yes, I was sad and it took me a few weeks (maybe more? I can't remember) to realise that it was over. But no- that was not the reason I have trust issues. When I decided to end the relationship, I think it was around July/August. After that, we still contacted each other every now and then, and he was trying very hard to get me back. He even came to Batu Pahat (I was doing my practicum there) during my birthday to win me back. Of the 3 years that I have been with him, it was quite hard to get him to do anything sweet for me, but that day, he came, and surprised me with flowers. I was more annoyed at the gesture because I felt that it was too late to do all those stuff. He had 3 years with me, so why now? Anyway, we went out and had dinner and stuff and he was going to be in town for the weekend. He did everything he could to get me back but I just was not buying it. And I had a good reason not to.

I've always had his Facebook password (one of the things I learn NOT TO DO in a relationship) but I rarely logged into his. But one night, I decided to log in and that's when I found a detailed conversation between him and a random girl. I can't write it here what the conversation was about, but I was so shocked that I broke down and just cried. Until now, I am grateful that my friend was there with me and she consoled me until I stopped crying. When I asked him about it, he denied it but because I had proof, he finally admitted. That's when I found out about the other girls he had when we were still together. One of the girl was my own friend and their affair happened right under my nose but I was too blind to see it. When I confronted the friend, she did not even try to deny it, and said, "the only reason I was nice to you is because you were with him". The other ones happened during our long distance relationship, as early as a month after he went back. There were five that I know of, and probably many others that I don't. So, I decided to end it. I couldn't imagine myself being with someone like that. He said that he won't do it once he's married but how can he be so sure? He couldn't even stay loyal when he's not married and being married is not a confirmation that he will not cheat. So that was it- that was the end of us. It took me a year to get over him. I couldn't trust anyone. To me, they were all just the same. So that is why it's hard for me to trust anyone. I mean, I was with this person for 3 years, made future plans with him, and I still couldn't see that he was cheating behind my back. I felt stupid, I still do. I feel like I've wasted 3 years of my life being with someone like that when I could have enjoyed it with my friends. But it's too late now. 

But then I met A. I've said this before and I'm going to say it again, with him, things are just so simple. From the very beginning he was very consistent with me. There were no games between us, we knew what each other wanted from the very beginning. But still, sometimes, I can't help but have doubts. It just feels too good to be true. I don't think I deserve to be with someone like him and I have this fear that one day he would just...leave. I mean, what is so special about me? Doubts, please go away...

I can only pray that this relationship lasts- I don't think I can handle anymore heart breaks. I know he is a good man, and I hope our plans to be together comes true. InshaAllah I want to make him happy for as long as I live if we get married.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan jodohku.

Amin.

P/s: Just to clarify, I am not still hung up over my previous relationship. I have no feelings what so ever for him and we're not even in contact with each other. I have no idea how he is or what he's doing and I have no desire to find out. I'm not angry nor bitter towards him or what happened between us. The reason I wrote about this is not because I'm still angry or I want to embarrass him or anything like that, but I'm just trying to explain why I sometimes get paranoid and stuff. I just don't want to go through anything like that again... I've learned to be careful with my heart and not love too easily and too much. Always keep some for myself. I also learned not to trust too easily. That is why sometimes it's hard for me to be convinced that someone actually loves me and will not break my heart. I know some might read the above and think, "that's it? that's nothing" but keep in mind that what I wrote above is only 30% of what really happened...I can't write everything because it's too personal.