Unpacking Life -

I know I am supposed to be grateful with all the blessings that Allah has given me. But today I feel like I want to get some things out of my chest. I'm only human. So here goes. I hate that it takes more than an hour to reach a place that is only 10 mins away I hate the traffic jam I hate how crowded it is I hate how people park their cars in front of people's houses I hate how hot it is I hate that I don't get to spend more time with my baby I hate that work > family I hate that my family is not here I hate that I cannot turn on the fan in the dining area when I have dinner I hate that I don't feel comfortable there I hate the smell of cigarettes I hate that she is not taking good care of herself and nobody cares to do anything like force her to see a doctor or stop letting her have sugary food I hate that I cannot be myself when I'm there I hate that I have to pretend I hate that you used to lie to me I hate that I have to forgive you and move...

Sometimes you just have to swallow your feelings and just accept things even if it kills you inside. Even if you are not happy. Even if you are hurting. You just need to look at the bigger picture and how it will affect others. You can't be selfish.  So here I am, swallowing everything and faking a smile. Because my happiness is not worth the sadness of those who are dear to me.  I'm just going to suck it up. I have to.  I'm doing this for Amir Yusuf.

I still cannot believe that I am actually a mother now. We have a baby boy. Our baby boy. Everything happened so fast that I don't think I've had a chance to stop and breathe since we got married last year. I graduated, got a job, got engaged, got married, moved into a new place, and got pregnant all in the same year! Phew.  Alhamdulillah I am very grateful for all His blessings. Eventhough Baby Yusuf is not back home with us yet, I believe that Allah's plan is the best. I believe there is a reason/hikmah that Yusuf has CDH and that we are chosen to go through this. If anything, this experience has made me (and husband) even more closer to Allah swt.  Next month, on the 3rd of May, will be our 1st wedding anniversary, InshaaAllah. My wish? For Yusuf to be home with us. I do not need celebrations or gifts. I just want Yusuf to be well and healthy and come home to us. Allahumma yassir wala tu'assir, rabbi tammim bilkhoir. - An update on Yusuf, he is...

Day 28. We went to see Baby Yusuf in the morning because we had to buy a prescription drug to treat his kuning . The nurses and doctor asked if I took/am taking any Jamu. I told them only the first 3 days and then I stopped because I realised it wasn't good for my breastmilk. Yusuf has a fragile tummy, and I don't want to do anything that could further upset his tummy. The doctor said its's probably the nutrition effect (TPM? TPN?) that they've been giving Yusuf before he could feed on milk that caused the kuning . Hopefully the prescribed drug that we got him will make the kuning go away soon. Currently Yusuf is drinking 20cc breastmilk every three hours...6 cycles per day. I've been actively pumping breastmilk just for Yusuf. I want him to get better. I asked the nurse if he is pooping alright, they told me he's been pooping (Alhamdulillah, which means his usus is working fine). He still needs the help of the oxigen mask...his left lung has not f...

Not being able to hold my baby whenever I want to hurts. It's been 27 days... Next week, 5th April 2015, Yusuf will be 4 weeks. I miss you sayang :(

A few more hours to go before I see my baby Yusuf. I miss you baby. I can't wait to play with you tonight. Sayang Yusuf. Ya Allah, kau sembuhkan dan sihatkanlah anakku Amir Yusuf bin Amir Saleh, Amin.

Ok, after 2 weeks I finally have access to a laptop LOL. I've been asking dear husband to bring the laptop up to the room for me countless times, but I guess he has a lot on his mind that he keeps forgetting. This morning I reminded him again and yeay, I have a laptop! No more browsing from my phone...And oh my, messy nya the previous updates! Sorry for that.  As for Baby Yusuf's update, so far he is doing well Alhamdulillah. I pray every second that he will keep improving and be able to come home soon, Amin. He has started feeding on my EBM, yum yum. Eventhough in small amounts, I am still very happy as this is a very positive sign! He still needs to work on pooping. It takes him more effort to poop I guess. I went to see him yesterday morning and Dr. Alexis told me that if everything goes well, they want to try to take out the tubes from his mouth. I was so happy to hear that news. However, after Prof. Lucy assessed him, she decided that Yusuf is not ready. Oh well, ...